


Sucks to be... Ben

by Whaler



Series: Sucks to be [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Emotions, M/M, Moving On, dealing with changes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 20:36:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18977893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whaler/pseuds/Whaler
Summary: Ben and Klaus came home, the issues came with them.Makes sense only after the previous probably.





	Sucks to be... Ben

**Author's Note:**

> So... I swear I'm working on the bigger fic too, but after endig Sucks to be, this one bugged me something terrible. This is more or less about what Klaus had really lost or gained facing his powers - from a personal point of view.
> 
> Thought it would be fun reading about ghost Klaus playing with his powers. F.e. calling back dead people just to prove a point or making things disappear for fun, I'm pretty sure I won't have the time to write it.

Ben Hargreeves hadn’t been this content and happy since he died. He enjoyed the soft beds, the flavors, the drinks, the ability to be seen by and talk to the others. He enjoyed sleeping in and enjoyed waking up especially to a still sleeping Klaus. They occupied one of the guest rooms. Klaus vetoed having their old room back the moment it was brought up. Too many bad memory, vision and sleepless night.

This morning was calm, unmoving and still wavering. There was traffic outside and the inside was frozen. Slow, pastell, wood and dust. A thousand year old, a thousand year still, breathing sometimes. A boring cocoon, old rich lady room with old rich lady smell. There never has been any real woman at the house. Adult that is. But now they had a home, a bed, food and they were safe at last. Warm.

At least it had windows, curtains; the half lit grayness inside resembled the shack, the forest but instead of birds and insects there were only cars to be heard. He wondered how long they will stay, he wondered if Klaus will care now or ever again. Cars thonked outside, his brother turned onto his stomach beside him; hair messy, hands under the pillow. He looked stronger now, healthier, his hair had grown a little, there were no new scars, or flecks, cuts, no burns, no needles, no handprints of other men.

_It all happened to another body._

He run his fingers on the warm skin. If something happened to him - ever again. He would kill. He. Would. Kill… That's the Horror. Even in death. Inescapable. Although he didn’t want to escape anymore, not when he needed strength and anger. It was just so dark inside. He was… what he became. What Reginald made him. Almost.

 _But I won't let you._ In the dark of their room. _I would never let you lose to this._ Never mattered what he did, Klaus was there, Klaus hugged him on that bed, stepped between him and father, fought every way a kid could. He remembered darkness. And now it was… It was hardly daybreak. That time of the day again.

He has never really been the protector he wished to be.

For years he had checked Klaus every morning, assessed the damage then counted to ten, swallowed the pain. On the streets, in rehab, in various beds, sofas, chains… He remembered the chains the best and the look Klaus would give him, what that dark, averted gaze would convey. Shame. Pain. Loneliness.

_I need to feel alive, Ben. I need these thoughts out. All the thoughts out._

Then he basically killed him. _Come to the other side!_

Every time he wanted to fight something, but there was nothing there he could touch, so he just sat, he just listened, argued. Every morning. And sometimes he kept silent. Talk and reassurance were the only things he could give, even in the forest when Klaus was lying on the floor naked, on the bed dieing, before that when he was bleeding and hiding in alleys, begging some strangers to stop... Now he could reach for him, bury his fingers into the brown locks and he did, leaned down, kissed Klaus' neck, pushed his lips to the soft, warm skin, peppered his back with kisses, followed the line of the old scars with his nose, caressed with his breath taking his time going ever lower.

Every day it amazed him he can do that. End every day it terrified him he could lose it. For years. _For years._

In that boring, boring old pastell room. In that trap of a house. _Will you leave me for Vietnam_?

 _Why was Vietnam such a big deal?_ That emptiness in his eyes hit Ben. That happened back in the motel _Dave. Your life there._ But. _I don't know why Vietnam was such a big deal._ And Ben, he was terrified. Now Klaus turned slowly, sleepy eyes locked into his, a lazy smile, sparkles and warmth. He felt the warmth inside, between them. His lover pulled him down, over himself, cuddled him laying his head onto his shoulder.

"Better?" He asked quietly playing with his hair. Klus just smiled into his chest.

"Make this a routine." he was drawing patterns on his stomach tracing ever lower, kissing his sternum, his chest over his heart.

“Like it’s not.”

Klaus looked up at him at that, their eyes locked again. Those deep brown, gentle eyes, there was affection in them, love in them, like back then. _I won’t give up on you._ But. _I don’t recall why or childhood was such a big deal._ Staying in the motel, Klaus staring out of the window, staring at his reflection just a few days after he could get up from the bed. _Who is this man?_

Now this Klaus looked sober and present, his eyes concerned. Many heartbeat could fit into that silence. “I used to be the one to have second thoughts.” he said quietly.

“I don’t have any.” he cupped his brother’s cheek, pulled him lower, their lips to almost touch. He had kissed him exactly one time back then, many times since then. It should’ve been perfect. _I don’t recall why our past was important._ He halted, waited, felt Klaus closing his eyes, letting out a hard breath onto his lips, his palm caressed the skin just above Ben’s boxer.

“It’s not like I don’t remember.”He just doesn’t remember the pain. He knows it happened, but there is no more scar on his soul. He knew how afraid and desperate they had been and he didn’t feel it on his skin anymore.

_It all happened to another body._

“I do remember.” It just doesn’t hurt anymore. “I remember lying in bed like this. I remember running on these floors. I remember setting our room on fire, holding your hand in the car, holding you when Regi brought us out…” It’s just the pain is gone. “I came home because I love you.”

The warmth he missed, the love he needed, the man he yearned...

“Show me then!” he breathed on his lips and Klaus grinned, kissed him hard, with passion and care, while slipping his hand into his boxer. A palm, a pressure just right, a touch of a finger. He made him feel like he was fragile, like he was a treasure beyond merit and comprehension. The monster in him wanted that, the man around the monster yearned it like oxigen.

Klaus wetted his fingers and they kissed again while the hand wandered back down into his boxer, between his legs and it poked, probed careful and gentle. Klaus was gentle with him, gentler than he had ever been to himself. They kissed as the finger entered him, then another one, and kissed again as the fingers found his prostate: pressured it, massaged it and he moaned into the kiss, leg apart wider and wider to give access, give place, give himself, give everything.

He wanted this, needed this. For so long. _For so long._ Again. _Again._ He grabbed Klaus hair, pulled him down, onto his lips, pushed against the fingers, moaned as they scissored, moved in circles and pressured, his dick hard in a second. Now it wasn’t about playtime, wasn’t about slow and exploratory, but about short and intense. And intense it was: Klaus fingers on his with every touch, every push, going in circles and deep as he could, stretching him, making him feel burn, turning into a boneless net of nerves, his thumb pushing from the outside.

His dick twitched, leaked, Klaus was kissing his neck, his ear, biting, sucking carefully, his other hand in his hair, keeping his head down, motionless. Hopeless to the pleasure, hopeless to the ministration and he couldn’t feel safer anywhere else. More content anywhere else.

“Touch it, darling!” Klaus breathed into his ear voice low, hoarse, wanting. “Ben.” Asking, begging. “C’mon, Ben!”

He pulled his dick out from the stained boxer, took it in his hand, jerked it in synchron with Klaus’ moves. Now it wasn’t about holding back, teasing, but about joy, pleasure  and reassurance. The fingers pushed against his prostate, his own hand tightened around himself, the lips moved on his neck, the hand in his hair, he twisted his hand at the tip while Klaus’ fingers were moving inside him, hard and fast, circling, massaging so good, so perfect.

“C’mon, love!” the voice, the tone shot straight through him, his back arched, he gasped, moaned, begged, held onto the other man, fingers on his arm, in his arm. Klaus smiled into his neck, he felt the lips moving, the warm breath. “C’mon, love…”

His back arched, his whole body pulsated, jerked as he came and he pulled Klaus down, onto himself to feel him closer and closer and closer, while his hand still moved, Klaus’ fingers still moved hard through his orgams, now lazy and calm and caressing. They kissed and the world slowed again, stilled again. The room was filled with the scent of sex, with a different calmness and contentedness. Klaus was lying upon him as his fingers eased out of him carefully leaving the tender flesh and sparks behind. His dick softened between them, but Klaus was hard, groin to groin, chest to chest not caring about stains or breaths. Ben was still panting and smiling. Klaus smiled too looking down at him, turning his head upwards pulling his hair carefully, kissing him, snuggling close like he wanted to hide, like he needed appreciation, protection.

Ben hugged him, pulled him close, hand on his back and he turned them. Now Klaus was lying under him, looked up at him with those big, dark eyes, like he was looking at a wonder, a miracle with love, want, openness. Ben was above him now, giving him what he needed and more. This Klaus without the walls and weapons and distance was just for him.

His lover smiled, Ben kissed him. _Is it what you wanted? Is it why you came back?_ To hold him, have him protect him. For him to have you. Yes. _Yes._

“How about I return the favor?”

Klaus grinned. “I’m all yours.”

Damn right.

 

* * *

  


Later that day, when he walked into the kitchen to make breakfast, Five was sitting at the dining table over a cup of black coffee with a comically large newspaper in hands. He really had that sixty-vibe Klaus told him about. His brother acknowledged him with a nod and he did the same. They didn’t talk as he prepared his breakfast - sandwiches with orange juice -, but the second he sat down and took the first bite Five put down the paper with a theatrical move and folded his arms on the table. Those too old to be young eyes was fixed on him unnervingly.

He couldn’t be bothered, Klaus touches, kisses, the action in the morning put him in a good mood. Sunshine and rainbows. Huge sparkling rainbows with unicorns. He would’ve been humming and grinning if not for Five strict gaze. He took a careful bite. A stray tomato slice landed with a splash on the table. Five flinched, he looked like a sour grandpa.

“So…” his brother began. After almost four days it was still strange to be addressed by others than Klaus. "He resurrected you."

Ben’s smile faltered. He sent a reproachful look toward Five but he just arched a brow. The old kid wasn’t putting up with their shit. Again. Even he found that tiresome. They brother tried to talk about what happened in the most inappropriate moments. Especially, considering he had already heard the whole story twice. It seemed like he was testing them. Or tried to irk them directly.

"No." He corrected it the thousandth times. "He is like a passageway, can move souls and things back and forth through the realms."

"But you are alive."

"If I want to be." In a strange state between ghost and human. Going through this again and again started to take its toll on him. The more he thought about it, the more it confuzed him too. "Like he brought Patch back."

"What about Patch?" This was the unfortunate moment Diego wandered in in his pajama pants and sat down to them after pouring a cup of sugar with a bit of coffee. Five wasn't impressed.

"We were talking about Klaus."

"Ah." Diego nodded sipping his coffee. “What about him?”

Klaus had brought back Patch for a short time, for Diego to be able to talk to her, but the detective hadn’t stayed, the afterlife was too bright and wonderful to leave it. Their brother found peace with that and could move on with a lighter heart at least. Ben couldn’t remember the afterlife, he had lost all memories about it the moment he came back. It hadn’t been that good or he couldn’t stand being there without Klaus, knowing what he left, where he left him. Those big eyes were the last thing he had seen, those arms were the last things he had felt…

_Pleasepleasepleaseplease_

“He’s dead.” The urge to punch Five raise its head.

Diego arched his brow in the same time Ben opposed. “He’s not!"

That was the moment Luther joined too with a good morning and started to make breakfast from a whole bag of bread. This whole scenery started to look like those they wished they had back in the days when they were kids. He took a bite and marveled about how good it was to be there with the others, how good it was to feel alive, present, belonging to somewhere despite the uncomfortable, irking topic. It became even better when Klaus appeared in the doorway in his boxers. He was a ghost now, the others couldn’t see him and he smiled with mischief in his eyes.

“It’s definitely strange to see you two like this.” Luther mused. Klaus was standing behind him, invisible, almost toe to toe waiting for the big guy to make the sandwiches. “When he disappeared again I was sure we will fetch him from a shelter again…” Klaus grimaced, made fun of his every move, word and gesture. Ben tried to hide the grin, but Five caught on, looked for the sign of the their brother. “I wouldn’t have expected him to come home sober, definitely not with you like this.”

As Luther put the sandwiches aside Klaus put them away, snatching some of them to the other realm, hiding the others while already eating one. The others has seen Klaus appearing and disappearing behind their brother, Diego snickered, Five had an arrogant poker-face like every time. It was Ben’s snickering that betrayed Klaus and made Luther look back, take notice of the lack of food and put two and two together.

“I would’ve made one for you too!” he scolded the room not even close where Klaus was standing. He just laughed, winked at Ben and walked away through the closest wall. “Klaus, damn you!”

“He is gone.” Diego let out a grin too.

“But with all my food...”

“Cupboard.”

Luther sighted, shook his head sitting down to them with his leftover, recovered breakfast. “Now this is irritating.”

“Harmless.”

“You are too uptight.”

Luther grimaced, pushed the plate away, Diego took a sandwich from it.

“The Klaus we know is dead.” Five grim words took up the line of the conversation again. “What came back from the woods is a different man.”

“Just because he is a ghost now?” Ben argued. “I’m one too and I don’t get the speeches. I'm not different?”

Five leaned back, his fingers drummed on the table. “The thing is, kid, I don’t remember what you were like. Silent, nice, dangerous, sure, but you were a kid and you died so long ago neither of us could tell if anything had changed, but we had grown up with Klaus…”

“And you still don’t know him.” Ben hissed leaning forward. “How long have you been here, Five, three weeks?”

“I know him.” Luther interjected.

“No, you don’t.” Diego shook his head. “Not to bash you, but you never cared about anything but Allison and father. You hadn’t even known me and the four of us were close.”

“And you did? Were you better even at being the big brother?”

“None of you know anything.” Ben shut the argument. “Not like I do. I know what he was like."

He was the only one, the only one when they were kids, the only one at his side when they were older, the only one at his side in the forest. He was the only one to really know that sweet, funny, crazy kid, who played with him, studied with him, laughed with him, loved him, who kept him so close every night, who held him tight after he had to kill, who had been so nervous as he pulled him onto his lap the first time. Ben had been the one to push, Klaus flourished when he felt safe and protected. That hadn’t changed, so many things had, but that hadn’t. It’s just he had been alone for far too long. He was like a plant that hadn’t been watered in an abandoned house. In this one with the lit kitchen and windowless basement.

He self destroyed when there was nothing left to fight for, to live for. And Ben could only watch.

Five leaned over the table. “He’s turned into a different man.”

Because of their father, the siblings, Ben’s death, the fears and torture. _It hadn’t happened to this body._

“He has lost the pain and the fears, what’s wrong with that?” he raised his voice.

“Those all shaped him to be the man he was. He's lost what’s made him Klaus, what kept him together.”

“Do you hear yourself, Five? Ket together?! He was an addict! Why do you think he went to that godforsaken place in the first place?”

“It’s alright, Ben.” Diego tried, but he refused to listen.

“He has his heart, his wit, his humor, he has just lost the scars! Why do you want him to remember? To suffer? He is now the man he would’ve been without father, without the burdens, the wounds. And he remembers, he wouldn’t love me if he didn’t.”

“Maybe what’s between you two isn’t a good thing either.” Came from Luther and impulse to send a fork through his forehead almost overwhelmed Ben. The impulse to bang his brother’s head to the desk till nothing’s left was so strong he felt the Horror waking, but Diego put his hand onto his calming, reassuring, holding him back. The tension in the room felt suffocating.

“Is it what this is about? You don’t care about Klaus, only about us fucking?”

“No.” Five glared at Luther too briefly before turning his attention back to Ben and Diego. “I’m worried about Klaus and you.”

“You can shove your –!”

“Ben.” Five’s voice turned sterner and impatient.

“No. You hadn’t been here.”

Five’s eye flashed with anger but he swallowed that down as a grandpa he was and he said: “What do you think I came back for?”

“To save the world.”

“And my family.” The honesty in his brother's eye hit him, made his anger dissipate, though the turmoil of feelings stayed together with the tension and he couldn't take one more remark. Five though continued. "Whatever father had done, he kept us safe by making us famous. He put us out there, into the news, into the TV, so others couldn't use us in secret. They couldn't make Allison, Diego or me a spy with our faces everywhere."

"What does it have to do with everything?"

Five ignored him. "After we moved on Allison kept to be safe by being famous and it made her to control her power more or less, Luther stayed home, Reginald had hidden Vanja to not let her be used for mass destruction, I wasn't here."

Ben looked at Diego and he just shrugged. "You would be surprised how easy it is to destroy a man's life and carrier just for refusing one shot."

"You did what now?" Luther looked at him, but Diego just shrugged again.

"Are you afraid they will use Klaus?"

“Nobody knows about Klaus just yet. But this power… this is some next level shit. It’s not the medium thing anymore, he can make anything disappear, he could bring back armies.” Five leaned forward. “And he doesn’t remember that decisions have weights. He went through a lot, it had sent him down the rabbit hole, but he had learned what a life worth, what suffering, desperation and harm means. That pain had taught him more about the world than the three of you know combined. Now he doesn’t remember these lessons and he is powerful.”

“You expect him to go mad or something?” None of his brothers answered, he felt his anger rising again. “And what does it have to do with father anyway?”

It was Luther who answered in the end tough clearly uneasy. “We… went through fathers documents in the last week and, well– ” he shook his head giving up the battle of instinctively defending their father even after everything “we have found things.”

Ben’s questioning look was answered by Diego. “About your death among many things.”

The fallen, heavy silence was broken by Luther again. “We don’t know how this Klaus would react, we don’t know if he would care at all or go havoc.”

He just sat there, breakfast half eaten, forgotten. Klaus had told him about this, the changes, the consequences, he knew them, he had felt them and now… A last punch from from father, a never ending spiral of madness from their birth till even after their deaths. How much harm could that man still cause?

“What do you want from me?”

 _I’m all yours. Damn right._ Damn right.

“We want to live without fucking it all up again.”

He wanted the same. Everybody wanted the same.

“The apocalypse is over. We will be fine.” he stood. The others called after him as he walked out of the kitchen but only Diego followed.

 

* * *

  


Diego caught up to him just as he entered the garden. It was a warm, sunny day in the Fall, the leaves had already fallen, the conifers were the only green patches. The rainy days were over for now, the gray that surrounded them in the forest gave place to colors, the city’s own gray. The city’s own madness. Maybe they should just renovate that forest house, go far away and never look back, toss the keys. The gravel gritted under his feet.

“Ben!” he turned back to Diego, waited for him to catch up.

“Do you want to lecture me too?”

Diego smirked but then shook his head immediately. “Despite what we talked about inside… Look, Luther is jealous and while Five is a patronizing asshole he means good. It's just... This family is really together for the first time ever. Don't take Klaus away...”

“Like I could do that.”

“You made him turn into a ghost, you brought him home, you could make him live on the north pole and he would do that. He listens to you.”

“And I listen to him.” he shot back almost accusatory. He wasn't controlling Klaus. He wasn't.

They wandered around aimlessly, more or less in circles in the garden, the small gravel gritted, the fallen leaves rattled, the noise of the traffic reached them even there, so did the smell of gasoline. He was angry at the city for existing, fuming with frustration over things he had no influence over. He didn't exactly want Diego there but it was too good not being alone. Maybe that was what Klaus felt too, that's why he's never sent him away. That was bullshit, he knew it was bullshit, insecurities he gained in the forest after the confession. Insecurities over his own decisions, motives. But he loved Klaus. Klaus loved him. He knew that, he felt that every day, in every touch, every word.

And still. _And still._ The fear of waking up one day with Klaus gone followed him like a shadow.

“What the two of you had back then...” Diego started watching strictly the garden, avoiding Ben's gaze. “We had all known about it, kinda understood you two being so close after everything and after you died..." he grimaced "It's not like we hadn't tried to help, but he closed up hard, unreachable. And… I could’ve tried harder. We just – all had our hands full, I guess.” he snickered darkly. “Who would’ve thought the innocent ones turn out to be the real meances?"

Menaces. He remembered Klaus sitting outside in the rain sick, wet, desperate, broken, lying on that filthy floor naked not having the strength to even get up, slumped down at the wall of the cave burning with a fever, standing before the house with his last strength lost, anguished, small. A menace. Yeah, a damn menace.

Ben was furious.

Klaus had needed them, anyone and they let him to rot. Now they were protesting. Not really. He doubted they really cared. He doubted his doubts. They had been kids, just kids, it had been Reginald's fault: the torture, the pain, the separation, his death. But they weren't kids anymore, they were adults more or less, those early times were behind them, like a dream, like another life. For Klaus and him at least. They hadn’t forgotten, but the past had dispatched with being at the other side, not feeling physical pain, hunger, tiredness, time, space… It put things into perspective, it rendered the struggles irrelevant. He knew everything about that.

"For a time we all thought him dead” Diego sighed, shook his head ”, then one night a hospital called me he had overdosed and was CPR-ed. We hadn't been talking for years and I was considered his closest relative.” Diego halted in his track, he did too. “I went there, saw the state he was in: on tubes, unconscious, skin and bone, with the marks of living on the streets. I've made Pogo pay the hospital bills, visited a few times, then one day when I went back he was gone. Just like that, though… he'd told me about some things. The others don't know about this, but while I am concerned maybe him not remembering the scars is for the better.”

What Ben knew was only the tip of the iceberg. It was the fury again and the sorrow about his brother's life that chased him to the woods. And him. Klaus was running from him too, from everything Ben represented. The insecurities tortured him: he backed his love into a corner, he couldn't let go and now had what he wanted. Almost.

 _I don't know this man._ I don't know this man. It was the exact thing Klaus was terrified of and he made it reality. _Should I be glad? I should be terrified._ But he was unable to feel the dread.

Death did that. Death killed everything, he knew that all too well. Five was right. Maybe Luther was right. Maybe everyone was wrong.

They sat down to a bench and just sat there in silence watching the garden, the sun on the bare branches, the bushes swaying in the light breeze. The statue Reginald had made for him lied broken on the ground. A lifetime has passed since that day.

“It had been the same for me when I came back. All the life I had lived before felt like a dream, like it happened to someone else.”

It doesn’t have to be a bad thing - he wanted to say but the words got stuck.

The ghosts came back to this side because there was something they couldn't let go of and when all their life seemed like a dream that drive became the only reality. The dissonance drove them into madness. Klaus told him he was different, hasn't gone crazy like the rest of the ghost he has seen. What he didn’t know was that Ben wasn't different, wasn't special. He forgot just as much, went mad just as much: to get back to Klaus, to not leave him alone. And if Klaus wouldn't have been on his side constantly he would be the exact same thing as the ghosts in the crypt. He was terrified one day Klaus will see this. That he was the exact thing his lover loathed.

He wanted to reassure Diego and he couldn’t even reassure himself. But Klaus was different. _He was different._

“He would've died if I can't bring him back.”

Diego glanced at him.“He went there to die, didn't he?”

“He went there for a miracle.” – And that miracle almost didn't happen. If Klaus had said no, if he had entered the house that one last time he would have died on that mattress coughing and feverish, thirsty and hungry, agonizing for days, tormented by the visions. He would've sat at his side watching him struggle like always, like Klaus had watched him as he bled to death. He would've tried to help, like Klaus had, would've tried to hold him, like Klaus had, but it would’ve been in vain like it had been back then for Klaus. It would've been the same like every time before, except maybe the very last moment before he ends up sitting only at the corps of his lover.

Just like Klaus did.

_I don’t wanna die. I don’t wanna die…_

They weren't kids anymore.

That death didn't happen because Ben asked him. Because Ben called him. And Klaus had lost what made him Klaus. What if it was selfish? What if he did something wrong? This was Klaus’ real power but if somebody Ben knew what a power can demand from a person. The memories of the forest haunted him, the garden around them turned into the shack: Klaus on the ground looking up at him in the rain, his eyes clear but sad, lost.

The last fight before giving up once and for all.

His voice was weak as he spoke. "Do you want to know what happened there, Diego?"

The man just nodded and Ben talked. Not just about the facts that he briefed to Five: he talked about their first touch, the shock, the fight when they couldn't do it again, Klaus leaving, the fears he has every time Klaus is not there, the fear that he will disappear again without trace like he did to Vietnam. He talked about going mad with worry about seeing the shack for the first time, Klaus out in the rain, on the floor naked reaching for the fire, reaching for him without success, his hand on the floor where his leg should've been. Then the cave, then the kiss, then the decision.

Then he fell silent.

“We have a chance. He won’t go mad, Diego.”

Klaus recovered in a motel with him, Ben held him close, held him safe while he slept, while he was awake and Klaus’ fingers were gripping him like he was afraid he would slip away. They made sure. Their first time. Klaus held him so strong, so close, let him in deep, cried his name. And then there was that morning, every morning, every touch, every word.

“No, he won’t. We don’t do the same mistakes again: not with Vanja, not with Klaus, not with you.”

The emotions threatened to choke him. Diego put his hand onto his shoulder, motioned toward the door when Ben looked at him. Klaus was standing there leaning at the doorway.

"I'll let you guys to it."

Klaus waited for Diego to leave and moved forward only when they had the whole garden for themself. “Hey, wonderboy!” he smiled.

Ben was already standing, hurried to him at the first move, hugged him close, hid his face into his shoulder, Klaus embraced him back, put his hand onto his head. They just stand there for many seconds.

"I felt your bad vibes." Klaus said into his hair, the arms around him, the warm breath, the beating heart under his chest calmed him. “What happened?”

"How much did you hear?"

Klaus shrugged. "I had been there in the forest too, you know." he smiled still, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes this time, just the concern. He seemed calm, focused, those eyes could’ve burned him but they just caressed. It was so different than the drug clouded, unfocused glances and so different than the feverish burning. These eyes belonged to a different man, only the longing was the same.

"I'm sorry."

Klaus arched an eyebrow, didn't ask why, but his smile faltered. "If you sorry what does that make me?"

"I didn't mean it that way." He pulled back a little just to look into his brother’s eyes better. “I’m sorry the change took things away from you.”

_Why was it such a big deal..._

“I’m not sure that man had worth as much as you torture yourself about it.”

“Please, don’t do this...” After what they went through in the woods, after the long talks in the motel, the long cuddles where they just lied together because they could, because that was a possibility.

_Then what, love? Why was it such a big deal..._

Klaus looked him in the eye. He flinched from Ben when he first reached for him, when he first reached for him suggestively. He backed back into his shell the first time they were about to have sex. _It all happened to somebody else, all the bad things. To another man._

_And who is the one inside?_

Now Klaus didn’t flinch anymore, didn’t pull away, but pushed him, chased his touches, chased his kisses. _You’re mine. You alway have been._ Klaus moaned so deep as he entered him, pulled him inside, deep, to the root, legs around him, chest heaving, and they didn’t move at first, back then, the first time just kissed for so long, moved jerkingly, fast, hard, shallow, and he came inside him fast and moving and crying out.

It was everything. Klaus safe and sound in his arms. _In his arms._ And Klaus just… Klaus loved with everything he got: every touch, every word, every move.

He kissed him now again, in the garden, cradling his cheeks with want, with love, with comfort. He kissed back just as much, wanted just as much. “You have chosen this path with me.”

“I did. I would again.” They were standing on the small stones, in the light breeze, next to the wall of the house they had grown up in with the world at the other side of the wall. “Do you think I’m different?”

“Yes. The past had morphed you and that past had changed.”

“Is that all, though, Ben? Am I only the horrible things that happened to me? Are we the horror that happened to us?”

They weren’t. Death set Ben free from the weight of the Horror on his mind and soul, death set Klaus free from the fears crippling his very soul and what was left… What was left was two man with a blank page. The men they could’ve been.

“What about we stop caring about what had been before and just live for once?”

“And if the past comes knocking on the door?”

Klaus didn’t answer and didn’t ask, he didn’t know, nobody could know. There wasn't asnwer for everything. He just looked into his eyes: careful, gentle with a smile on his lips.

“I don’t love you only because I had loved you back then.” His brother said and Ben kissed him: forceful, joyful and happy. The simplicity and confidence with Klaus had sad it made him smile. Gave him hope, gave him strength.

 _We won’t make the mistakes we had made before._ We know better. We know now so much better.

He held Klaus’ hand, their noses touched, his lover grinned.

“What’s so funny?”

“I’m just… what would Luther look like if we would do it in the garden.”

He grinned too, kissed Klaus’ nose. Stupid man. Stupid lovely man. “Just come with me inside!”

Not to the old rooms, not to the old life, not to the shack, the fever, the pain, the past, but to burn the past, because he will burn it without reading, without knowing. There was no point to it anymore, there had been enough suffering, enough guilt, enough sorrow. There was no need for more surprises, more wounds, more burdens.

_What now, love?_

There wasn't answer for everything, but there was an aswer for this one.

Now they will build something knew.


End file.
